Hitting Bottom

"Hitting Bottom" came up in my studies recently, and I had a revelation. I thought my "Bottoms" were when I acted passive aggressive, dishonest, or was overcome with grief. Feeling my grief was and is actually a good thing, but sobbing uncontrollably certainly feels like a bottom, a "good" one though if it leads to healing. The passive aggressiveness and dishonesty are a bottom for me but are much less prevalent after years of recovery. The bottom I had missed was anger as I can feel like I have been thrown into the pit of despair when it happens. I define anger as life energy that is blocked and so it can certainly cause big problems. I work in a very stressful and high volume position so there is a lot of life energy involved. It gets blocked when it seems I am thwarted in my work or getting to lunch or out the door at the end of the day. I "Hulk Out". I imagine swelling up ten times my size (except muscular of course!) and smashing buses, billboards, buildings, and bridges (why all the "B" things I wonder?). Yet when I get close to home and see the sun through the clouds on the Santa Monica bay, my energy spent, I start to cry and shrink down to a few inches tall and find a place to hide and feel my grief. Quite a story huh? But it resonates for me big time. The really sad part is I have been getting angry like this one or more times a week for years. That's a lot of bottoms, too many! Realizing this is helping already. I don't want to be that way, especially on a regular basis. Awareness is always the first step, then feeling it and acknowledging the stinking thinking involved. From there I sit with it and let it be. I don't want to fight, flee, or freeze, just feel and go with the flow. I check in with my inner child (wonder or wounded) and parent (loving or critical), and Higher Power. Once I make peace with it, I can act from a place of peace and power (Higher Power) and choose again. Rumi said: "Why should I stay at the bottom of the well when there is a strong rope within my reach?" In other words, there is help to be had, much good help. So here's the clincher, what is your bottom? Are you going to a place that is dark and ugly on a regular basis? Are you jealous, depressed, perfectionist, hyper-vigilant, a road rager or have some other nasty habit that troubles you? Can you acknowledge it, face it, feel it, accept it, and surrender it? And as I am learning in ACA, can you ask for help if you need it? Too often we think we have to go it alone, afraid to show imperfection and weakness. We do need wise and safe teachers and partners to guide and help us, but they are available in many ways (friends/family/counselors/12 step/etc). Life is peaks and valleys, the trick is if your'e going through hell, keep going, sanity is on the other side.